Hey kids! For best effect read this aloud using the voice of your favorite orator from theater or politics.

hen God said, Let Chris have a vacation. Let him find first-class passage to that Land of Smiling People, whose inhabitants grow shallow roots but possess deep social skills. Where culture is not confused with history, but is instead something living. Let him mingle with people off the street and hail them by their Christian names. He shall be on friendly terms with the local bank teller. How are you? he will ask lightly of friends and perfect strangers alike, and they shall respond Just fine, thanks. He shall divulge personal information without suspicion of ill intent. He shall exchange stories with others which neither convey information nor are entirely factual but rather serve the mere purpose of sparking imagination. The topics of physical ailments and numerous indispensable insurance policies shall have no place in daily conversation, and the sentence There is a draft in the room. shall never be uttered. Let him rediscover diversity and remember that “multi-cultural” is not exclusively synonymous with “Turkish”. Complacency with status quo shall be unacceptable. A sense of entitlement shall bear a negative connotation, and the word “risk” shall not. Let the surfeit of rules be made not of steel and concrete, but of rubber and other wiggly things. Children shall be smiled upon and given a status above that of high-performance automobiles. Let him enjoy wide roads, tall buildings and endless vistas. The future shall seem forever bright, regardless of the present’s condition, for only in this manner can it one day come to pass.

And so it was as God commanded.

And it was real good.

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