By Chris | July 9, 2008 - 8:16 am - Posted in Chris, Dresden, Germany, Society, US


4th of Juli
über-patriotic

This past Saturday we went up to Katrin’s parents’ place in Weißig to have a 4th-of-July cookout – albeit on the 5th. At the grocery store we saw a section of products called “McEnnedy – American Way”. Napkins, hot dog and hamburger buns, popcorn, muffins and many other items typically associated with the US were all packaged in various themes of the American flag and American icons, for that authentically American touch. Who, for example, would buy napkins not printed in red, white and blue? Do hamburger buns taste the same without baseball players on the wrapper? How do I know the muffins are truly free unless the Statue of Liberty stands proudly on the label? And so what if the fellas in the Cultural Research Department mistakenly translated Wienerbrötchen as Hot Dog Rolls? This is a free country.

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By Chris | June 26, 2008 - 10:53 pm - Posted in Chris, Science, Society

If the beer weren’t so good here in Germany, The Typing Chimps would be packing their suitcase right now and heading for Spain.

That’s where a non-human hominid like ourselves can live in peace among all hominids without fear of prejudice based on religion, fur color or tendency to maul rivals. Thanks to a recent decision by the Spanish parliament, chimpanzees, gorillas, orang-utans and bonobos should be entitled to the same human rights that many humans currently enjoy most of the time in select parts of the developed world. The resolution goes on to extend to them the rights to life, freedom and a submissive harem. Upon hearing the news, the greater ape community was reported to be speechless. A human spokesperson for the primates emphasized the good this would do for the morale of a group which up until now has only ever been “thrown peanuts” in a half-hearted gesture of appeasement. “Finally chimpanzees and gorillas can stand up and walk tall,” he announced. Then quickly added, “metaphorically, of course.”

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By Chris | - 12:33 am - Posted in Chris, Dresden, Germany, Society, Splenetic

I’m really tired right now and would like to go to sleep, but darned if those Germans aren’t whoopin’ it up big-time outside my window once again after their soccer team came back and eked out yet another nail-biter against yet another sub-par team. This episode’s disposable crew member was Turkey, who watched their long shot of a European Cup title get gobbled by their less-than-impressive opponents. What’s that, person who actually knows something about Fußball? Turkey does have a good team? Well, until nine of their players were sidelined with injuries or penalties before this game, yes, I’d heard they did. But tonight there was talk of having to use the second-string goalie as a striker, which I think is like using a catcher to start the game on the mound – while still wearing his gear. Despite my best efforts to soundproof the apartment with duct tape and plastic sheets (what to do with all this code-orange gear?), I could still easily follow tonight’s titanic struggle by counting the number of whiny groans versus jubilant macho grunts emanating from the bars and apartments. In the end the grunts won. No sooner had the final whistle put the football world out of its misery than the mobs took to the streets to spread this misery to the innocent and uninterested, smashing beer bottles, blocking traffic and singing unintelligible soccer songs with as little rhythm and harmony as their team displayed on the field. Dichter und Denker to a man.

Oh, look! Someone’s brought fireworks to the celebration!

I sound like the bitter captain of the chess team, whose dream of checkmating in front of thousands of screaming fans never materialized. But I grew up playing baseball, (American) football and basketball well into high school. I had season football tickets as a student at Ohio State. I still follow the Reds though I can’t watch a single game. I even brought my baseball and glove with me to this country knowing I’d never find a counterpart. And it’s this experience which makes me wonder, deeply, about a land whose uninspired, deficient soccer team, having got more breaks this tournament than a Hawaiian surfer, has brought its people beyond the brink of ecstasy. Well, most of them, anyway. There are two kinds of sports in Germany: soccer and whatever sport a German is dominating at the time (F1/Schumacher, tennis/Becker-Graf) – sports provincialism at a national level. If Tiger Woods had been a German, every Tilo, Dieter and Helmut in this country would call in sick whenever “our Tiger” took the green. An entire generation of German youth would be the burdened namesake of this golf Wunderkind. “Tiger, stop bothering your sister!” “Tiger, do your homework!” “Tiger, be quiet. Daddy’s watching the soccer game!”

In all fairness Germany’s not the only country which succumbs to collective hysteria every time its soccer team plays in some tournament, which seems like every other week. My informants tell me it’s just about every other country on earth as well. I guess with a healthy diet of three major sports in the US, most people are able to detox sufficiently enough before their team allegiance steals their vision and warps their common sense, leaving them so vulnerable they’ll worship their club, even when it’s far from divine. One sport the whole year round – this model of inbred fandom leads to hangers-on with developmental problems or a third nipple. If you don’t mix the gene pool, you get people who can’t discern their team from a good team. You get people who celebrate lousy victories with all the broken bottles, obnoxious chanting and random vandalism of a victory that truly deserves such a distinguished honor. You get a German soccer fan.

And I get no rest.

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By Chris | June 16, 2008 - 11:01 pm - Posted in Chris, Dresden, Germany, Society, Splenetic

If my favorite national sports team played an average game against a sub-average opponent, lost a game to an average opponent and squeaked out a ‘W’ against the worst team in the tournament thanks to a single technicality, the last thing I’d be doing after barely escaping such a spavined group in the preliminary round is cruising about the town square at midnight in my Mercedes while honking my horn and yelling at those with sense enough to be in bed that “my” team is number one.

Then again, my team isn’t in the euro2008.

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By Chris | June 5, 2008 - 12:49 pm - Posted in Chris, Germany, Society

This mockumentary may be satire, but its portrayal of Bavarians does not stray far from my own experience. *shudder* The flick lasts 35 minutes, so get some munchies and a Hefeweizen before you click play.



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By Chris | June 4, 2008 - 3:41 pm - Posted in Chris, Travel, US

That was fun! Let’s do it again!

Unless you’re talking about prison sentences or waits at the emergency room, two months is generally considered a long time. Yet as I sit here at our desk in our apartment in Dresden, Germany, the last two months we spent in Cincinnati, Ohio passed like a waking dream: Did that just happen or was it all in my head? It certainly happened; or is it possible to gain ten pounds while day dreaming about goetta, Skyline and Christian Moerlein?

I have almost 2,000 pictures to sort through. Please bear with me.

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By Chris | March 26, 2008 - 8:09 am - Posted in Chris, Travel, US

Today we’re leaving Germany to visit my family in Cincinnati for two months. With Lloyd growing so fast, we want his American relatives to see him before he’s taller than them. When we woke up this morning, I thought I’d get everyone in the mood for our trip by singing a rousing morning-voice rendition of America the Beautiful, or at least as much as I could remember. The following is a true story:

ME: Oh beautiful for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain…

KATRIN: Oh no!

ME: For purple mountain majesty [raising voice 0.7 octaves] above the fruited plains…

KATRIN: Stop! That’s terrible!

ME [in full swing]: America! America! God shed his grace on thee…

KATRIN: He WHAT?

ME: And… – Huh?

KATRIN: God shat his grace on you?

We’re heading for the US. God help us all.

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By Chris | March 15, 2008 - 11:18 pm - Posted in Chris, Politics, Society, US

Sunshine Week 2008

Sunshine Week is a national initiative to open a dialogue about the importance of open government and freedom of information. Participants include print, broadcast and online news media, civic groups, libraries, non-profits, schools and others interested in the public’s right to know.

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By Chris | March 13, 2008 - 10:35 pm - Posted in Chris, Society, US

Dear America,

Please prove this cynic wrong just once and do not take a spontaneous, intense interest in Kristen. If you have a shred of decency and self-respect, please let her just fade away.

Please.

Chris

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By Chris | March 12, 2008 - 11:31 pm - Posted in Chris, Politics, Society, Travel
West Bank At the end of 2005, Katrin and I visited friends living in East Jerusalem – the Palestinian side regarded as part of the West Bank. During our stay we traveled primarily within the occupied territory, visiting the towns of Hebron, Bethlehem, Jericho, Ramallah, Taybeh, Nablus and Zababdeh. I took a lot of notes on our trip, which I hoped to flesh out later. That never happened, but I recently found something I’d written about the day we spent with a family in Zababdeh, in the north of the West Bank. Zababdeh is one of the few Palestinian towns with a Christian majority. I was surprised to learn through anecdotal and physical evidence that, although most of the citizens are not Muslim, the Israeli government treats them with the same brand of contempt as we saw in other towns like Hebron and Bethlehem, leading me to conclude that, as much as religion, race plays a significant role in Israeli-Palestinian relations.

We visit Reverend F. and his wife R., a young, Christian couple with a little son living in the small West Bank town of Zababdeh. Their house looks new. It is spacious; the walls filled with pictures and religious plaques, the rooms filled with tastefully modest furniture. A piano stands in one corner. The TV is on and equipped with satellite reception. As their young son, P., watches a Jackie Chan movie, the six of us engage in a polite chat about the church as well as current politics. Reverend F. has to leave for an appointment. He says goodbye and takes his son with him.

House

R. has prepared an enormous and delicious dinner for us. She tells us more about her church, we talk about where we all come from, we laugh hard at jokes. It feels all very suburban, very middle-class.

But it’s far from it.

Reverend F. is a Palestinian. R. is Jordanian. Their house is only rented. In three months she will have to re-apply for her temporary residence visa, something she has to do every few months for permission to stay with her husband and two-year-old son. “Jordan, Palestine, I don’t care where I live, as long as I’m with my family,” she says, her emerald-green eyes betraying concern. For this is not the remark of someone content with the luxury of living here or there but rather of someone for whom neither may be a possibility. Her applications to reside in Zababdeh, in the Palestinian area, have been denied before, not by the Palestinian National Authority, but by the Israeli government. In those previous times, she has had to move back to Jordan, without her husband and son, until the Israeli government decided to let here return – a wait that has taken as long as eight months.

Moving the family to Jordan is not easy either. Reverend F., a minister of the Episcopal Church, can not choose where to serve; that is decided by the local bishop sitting in East Jerusalem, who has shown no indication of moving him anywhere. And if he is moved, there’s no guarantee it would be a place where R. could join him. “We can’t live like this forever,” she says while sipping tea from the comfort of an oversized armchair. The striking contrast between the gravity of her words and the simple luxury of her surroundings is in this moment as incomprehensible for me as any real-world situation is for the student of its theory. The reality of R.’s life is made all the more unfathomable as we sit around a large, round table eating a wonderfully cooked meal in a dining room that could be found in any American home. The conversation is light; we share stories, compliment the cooking and laugh.

The reality, however, is never far away – right outside of their front door, in fact. A day-long rain has made the front yard a muddy swamp. The car struggles and slides its way onto an equally muddy road lined with decrepit houses and shops. Villagers step carefully among the holes and deep tire tracks, trying to avoid getting wet as much as possible. Zababdeh’s largest, and seemingly sole, industry is olive oil. Groves of olive trees can be seen everywhere. Palestinians, however, are not permitted to sell their goods to Israeli businesses, so there are no prospects of supporting, much less expanding, their meager economies.

R. takes us to the church Pastor F. serves. It is a simple building in the middle of town. Next to it is a smaller building used as a community and education center. The church is very active in the community. The backside of it serves as a clinic, which provides medical services for the locals as inexpensively as possible. As we walk into the church, Katrin and I notice it is in complete disarray. The pews are askew, chips of paint and stone litter the floor, even the small organ sits at an awkward angle to the wall. “The Israeli army,” R. says, seeing our confused looks. “They did this to our church.” She tells us about a day not long ago when soldiers appeared here with weapons and bulldozers. With few words – more orders than explanations – they commandeered the church to use as a lookout post from which they could observe a dormitory building not far away. “The dorm was empty,” R. explained. “There was no one to watch.” The soldiers rearranged the pews and moved the organ “to have something to lean against.” A bulldozer was called in to enter the recently built dorm. As it passed the church, it dislodged some of the bricks, leaving minor but considerably expensive structural damage. “We have no means to repair this,” she says, pointing to a corner missing several bricks.

Church

She then takes us down to the dormitory, a five-story building recently constructed to house students of the local college. It is completely unusable. Where balconies once jutted out are now only crude holes and jagged metal beams. The rooms are exposed to the elements; bullet holes mark the walls of several rooms. “They found no one,” R. explains. “They simply shot to destroy our property.” Neither the small college nor the village have the money to repair the structures. Is there any chance of receiving compensation from the Israeli government? R. looks at the remains of the dorm and pile of rubble before it. “They never pay,” she says. “They only destroy and leave.”

Dorm Dorm room
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